So, today’s issue is abuse and impeachment. Our fearless leader, President Donald ‘Stubby’ Trump, somehow got his little weenie caught in a drawer trying to strong-arm political dirt from Ukraine. The day after we found that out, Trump stands on the White House lawn and bellows the same crime again, louder and to the cameras. (Which is a breathtakingly pumped up ‘guy’ thing to do, and boneheadedly stupid.) The Republican party of bad faith either thundered their own approval or kept their frightened little mouths shut. All the guys then stormed out for a drink while the women tried to figute out what to do about them.
Here’s my take. Ukraine is a new country trying to recover from a horrible boyfriend: a corrupt Putin pal who was abusive, stealing all of Ukraine’s money and beating her institutions. When Ukraine finally kicked him out, the jerk and his cronies grabbed what they could and ran to Moscow.
Good riddance. Ukraine tried to get clean from all that corruption junk and move on. They had a lot of work, but they were making good progress.
But just when things were looking better, Russia – America’s adversary and another abuser – invaded Crimea and eastern Ukraine, stealing their land and killing tens of thousands of Ukrainians. The Russian troops refuse to leave. Months have passed, they’re still there, and they’re still shooting people.
Ukraine is a new and fragile country. The country needs regular American support to keep the lights up. When Russia invaded, America (under Obama) promised to defend them against the Russian bully. And we did, too, although only just enough for a stalemate. Yeah, it’s that kind of thing.
Anyway, the new Ukrainian President, Zelenskyy (who seems like a nice guy), was elected by promising to make peace with Russia. He’s got a terrible bargaining position, but he’s doing what he can to sue Russia for divorce. It’s a delicate time.
America has a crucial role. We’re supposed to be Ukraine’s protector. Our support is the only thing holding Putin from packing up his tanks and doing his blitzkrieg imitation. President Zelenskyy needs Russia to believe that America will have Ukraine’s back if he wants to get any concessions.
And no, this isn’t charity on our part. America benefits from Ukraine becoming a real democracy. It’s in our interests. Ask anyone (except Trump).
We made that deal under Obama, who was a good steward. The problem is that our country divorced Obama and got a new daddy: Mafiaoso Trump. And the new dad looked at kid Ukraine from the last marriage and said, “Nuh-uh. I know what I promised, but fuck that. That bastard isn’t my kid.” Then Trump started playing crappy games with Ukraine support he’d promised. That broke the law, of course, but he didn’t care.
That was the wrong timing for Ukraine. They were in the middle of negotiations with Russia. Appearances matter in diplomacy, but Trump made it goddamn clear that the U.S. didn’t care, and might not even give them the support they’d been promised. Putin must have been giggling when he saw Trump cutting out Zelenskyy’s legs in the negotiations. So what could Ukraine do about it? Nothing. It was like being abused by a cop. Who’re you gonna call about that? They caved and did what Trump demanded.
I still don’t know if Trump was following Putin’s orders. It might have been an accident, but Trump managed to hit every high point in his Russian boy-toy’s wish list. Maybe there isn’t a hidden Russian backchannel to Trump, but it’s hard to believe Trump managed that many betrayals on his own. He’s just not that smart.
Trump pulled the same scam to Ukraine last year, too. He didn’t get caught that time. Trump sent the same bagmen, who look to have forced Ukraine prosecutors to drop joint investigations with Special Counsel Mueller’s team. So this year, when the payments came up again, Trump grinned and rubbed his small hands together. His next ask was for political dirt on Biden.
But this time, Mom (Congress) caught wind of it. What, she asked, was Trump was up to? And why was he doing still holding on to that money she gave him for the bills? Trump caved, threw the cash at Ukraine in a snit, trying to do as much harm as he could when Congress (Mom) wasn’t looking. Par for the course.
So here’re the impeachment charges so far:
- Trump asked a foreign source for something valuable. Just asking something useful is really bad, and It’s illegal to boot. The FEC Chairperson made that really clear, in writing. Twice. Still, she’s a girl, so I’m guessing Trump tuned out.
- Trump abused his authority, using the power we trusted him with to jack up someone else while we weren’t looking, all for his personal gain.
- Money for stuff. Quid pro quo. Call it a bribe, call it a strong-arm, call it fucking extortion; it doesn’t matter. It’s a crime in every case.
- When Mom asked Dad what he was doing, Dad lied, and shouted, and grabbed all his stuff, and squealed like a pig for hours every day. In case you weren’t sure, that’s not how good, innocent men usually act.
What’ll Trump do next? Yell that he’ll hurt Mom if she tells anyone? Too late for that one. Beat the woman? God knows Trump’s trying to close Congress. Trump already swears he’ll burn the house down before he lets them push him out. That train left the station already. Maybe Trump will threaten to kill the family dog or start a new war. He’ll do something. He’s a stable genius, after all.
And, of course, Republicans did that bro thing and backed him up every time. I tried to follow the crappy Republican line, but it was all so damn lame. What a bunch of goobers!
The call was fine. Perfect. Trump didn’t make any ask. He might not have even called. It’s all fake news.
OK, so Trump made the call, but it’s just a whistleblower, so it’s fake news.
OK, so the whistleblower is plausible, but they didn’t actually hear the call. It’s hearsay. Fake news.
OK, so the call notes are pretty damning, but if you squint hard, crumple and uncrumple the page, then smack your head with a brick, the words could mean anything. Fake news.
Well, OK. Everything in the whistleblower’s report has been corroborated. It’s all true. Trump even admitted to it in writing. Damn! Um… I know! The whistleblower was a Democrat, or an Independent, or maybe a communist, or worse, a RINO! No, I don’t have any evidence, but that means all bets are off, right?. Fake news.
And so on. There’s been a ton more, but who really cares.
Here’s the deal: Republicans always lie. They have for decades. It doesn’t matter what happens. It’s what I said before. If they’re caught, Republicans find a new position and pretend they’ve always been there. If they’ve got no place left at all, they’ll pretend they already gave us their argument, and why are we still asking?
And they’re all goddamn abusers. Putin, Trump, all the Republicans, they’re all abusers.
Fuck them all.
