I have a message for Republicans. I’ve been watching the conservative hate machine chewing on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez like she’s a doggie toy. I have to say, it’s disturbingly Freudian. Conservatives struggling to mash AOC into their ‘scary pretty girl’ mold. Not submissive or deferential enough for you? Too strong?
More importantly, I can’t figure out why none of you are embarrassed when every official Republican media personality starts acting like someone’s asshole ex. Talk about a bad breakup! And it’s not just a few of you. The entire Republican party has their panties in a knot about her. I know it’s probably not my place, but I think it’s time some of you got more chill about women, and, in particular, you need to chill with all the AOC nonsense.
Each new Fox story about AOC is full of belittling lies, breathless manipulation, and snide denigration. It’s like watching the misogynistic news channel. Talk about waaay over the top. When AOC asks tough questions, the talking heads on Fox ask who was helping her, since she’s just a girl and couldn’t possibly ask such smart stuff on her own. Republicans all over talk about the many ways she’s young. You love repeating that she was just a bartender as if saying that was an insult. Did you think we didn’t notice?
The best of the worst was when Republicans posted what they thought were embarrassing pictures of her back in college, then re-posted it with a snide comment. Dancing, God a’mighty! Followed by a second hoard of frustrated white guys celebrated that moment of revenge-porn like they’d achieved something. Wonderful. Next up: slut-shaming.
Why are you trying to become every woman’s nightmare? You couldn’t be more stalker’y if you stayed up late at night watching her place from your car, followed her around during the day, or you went to her work and tried to convince people there that she was a terrible bitch.
Wait. Oh, right.
Dudes, look. I know you’re scared and uncertain about girls. I know you’re anxious, which can drive people away. Every girl you talk at looks startled, start glancing around, and talks about having to leave the party early to Simonize their sofa or something. I get your frustration.
But AOC wasn’t the girl who laughed at your dick. That was me. Um… sorry? I hadn’t planned to point at the little thing, and when I laughed, I swear, it was out of awkwardness. I know how shocked you were. In my defense, you did shove it in my face and all. I was, like, surprised, you know? I think that might help explain why I giggled so long afterward, too. You have to admit; in the end, the whole night was kinda funny. I thought so.
Anyway, sorry about that. That’s what I meant to say. And I understand that you’re still angry and frustrated. The problem is that you’re transferring all that bubbling, hot, white-bread Incel rage against all women. Plus, if someone’s even a little bit pretty, you level up on the whole thing, and people start frothing at the mouth. Nobody likes getting spit on.
More importantly, when you’re freakin’ on the pretty girl, your metaphysical underwear is showing. We can see what you’re doing, and what’s really on your mind. It’s annoying when you pretend you care about women at the same time as you’re cutting access to birth control with one hand and spitting out another spittle-flecked anti-AOC diatribe with the other. Everyone can see through it. Well, every feminist, anyway.
Besides, you’re going off at the wrong person. AOC wasn’t that girl that ‘made you feel bad’ back in school. It’s not her fault. She didn’t point and laugh, and she didn’t smack you in the nuts, either. (Again, all I can say is that I was surprised. You just pushed them out, and I reacted. Sorry. I hope the swelling went down eventually.)
But look, most of you are adults now. You’re not kids still learning how things work. I know you’ve been sexist since… well, forever. Trouble is, times have changed but you haven’t. #MeToo, dude! It’s time to re-think.
You’re still playing the righteous male card. Can’t you see it’s not working? First, you’re not actually righteous. Outside of your circle of friends, nobody believes you’re acting like a misogynist jerk because you love and respect women so much. (And even your best buds are probably pretending about that.) Second, it’s a terrible excuse anyway. Women aren’t your possessions to claim. Nobody owes you sex. So please stop complaining about how AOC is this horrible, skanky-but-not-slutty-enough, ball-busting bitch. She’s not your ex. That’s me, and we’re so over you. (And I have to ask again: please stop texting me those pics. You know the ones.)
Finally, all that social media cyber-stalking is getting old. Dude, find a pill; you need to back down. You’re not convincing anyone, but you just keep trying harder. You’ve slipped past ‘overwrought’ into ‘Restraining Order’ territory. Republicans have become everyone’s nightmare ex. Trust me: that rom-com stuff is nonsense: nobody falls for a stalker. What’s next in the toolkit; repeal our girl-parts healthcare, ban birth control, force us to make babies and then you can fire us from our jobs? Cause it looks like that from here.
You need to chill. Really. I mean, just… chill. Rep. Ocasio-Cortez is there; she’s smart, she’s incisive, and she’s not going away. You think she’s extra-scary and won’t be your special friend. Move on anyway, if you can. You’ll feel better. And, you know what? Try not to act, like, completely creepy? Even if you’re only pretending, it’s important to try. Besides, if you pretend strongly enough — you know, if you start listening more, and not just assuming stuff — maybe people will start talking to you again. You might be surprised at what—
What are you — NO! Stop! Don’t pull out… ah. Oh, crap. Dude, put that thing back in your…..
You know what? Never mind.
