Republicans… well, older Republicans, anyway… huh.  Let me start again.  There were people who became Republicans because they believed in the articulated Republican principles.

A central Republican principle was that the best government was small.  They felt that government, while necessary, wasn’t efficient.  They used to talk about how competitive markets were always better and more efficient than centrally planned economies.  Government, they argued, never kept up with changes well, and were terrible at picking winners and losers.  Under a federally planned economy, they opined, we’d still be riding horses or steam trains to our industrial manufacturing jobs.

There’s some truth to that criticism.  We (whether public or private) are notoriously terrible at guessing which new ideas will actually work, and get popular.  Instead of looking ahead, we usually settle on looking backwards, choosing what we already know and feel comfortable with.  Central planning would never have developed computers, cell phones,  drones, or the Internet.  (And yes, I know about ARPANET and packet-switched networks.  I was one of the many engineers who helped stop big corporations from smothering the Internet in its crib.  For as long as we could, anyway, may it rest in peace.)

(Sorry; sidebar.)

So, what the heck are modern Republicans doing, loudly picking winners (coal and oil) and losers (solar and wind power)?  I mean, really, you’d think they were Democrats or something.  Besides violating their purported tenets, coal is a remarkably stupid side to choose.  Coal is small, shrinking, and employing fewer people per ton of coal delivered; green power is already a bigger market, it’s growing exponentially, and it’s widely loved.  Oil and natural gas are impossibly cheap, thanks to fracking, and already making money hand over fist.  You’d think the technical choice would be trivial.  And raw steel tariffs?  Trying to hold employees at a specific Carrier factory?  Trade policy?  WTF?!?

Instead of market solutions, the official Republican platform shifted from discussions about competitive markets to ‘competitiveness’, which is just another synonym for ‘winning the fight’.

Maybe Republicans hate anything other people love?  They’ve been living like contraries for decades, so it isn’t a stretch.

I used to agree with Republicans about the basic principles.  We had some common ground.  I mean, we would, if there were any of them still around.  Sure, I’d frequently argue with Republicans about the implementation, but the principle was easy enough: government should do what government does well — and there are a lot of those places — but we should resist its growth.  I do agree that government trends toward growth and inefficiency, and you have to fight that constantly.  Competitive marketplaces, in contrast, are much faster to find new goals and products, especially new stuff that’s counter-intuitive.  And they do it cheaper.

Not that specific corporations are the answer.  I remember when Republicans changed from ‘markets are good’ to ‘corporations are good.’  What a bunch of tools (both the party, and most large corporations).  Big, established corporations tend to be dumber than stumps, surviving on their ability to offer the least risk for timid customers. I’ve worked for quite a few, and while we weren’t terrible, we didn’t innovate much.  For us, that wasn’t the point.

Thinking about it now, the main saving grace of business in general is how easy it is (or should be, anyway) for new companies to spring up with the first hint of an idea.  Change is hard, and a lot of companies aren’t quick enough.  The corporate road is littered with the bodies of companies that couldn’t adapt.  (How’s that Kodak stock doing ya these days?)  It’s not pretty or kind — progress is closer to Darwinian creation and destruction than corporate agility — but it works.

Unless someone, you know, puts a thumb on the scale.

Anyway, back in those mythical halcyon days, Republicans and I could at least agree on underlying principles.  What do the Republicans have like that now?  I’m talking about the principles they actually follow, here, and not just the lame excuses flapping past their lips.  What do they follow, and what are their priorities?

What Republican’s don’t bother with is any of that old, complicated, thinky stuff.  It’s like Republicans have become the Civil War-era Democrats — the party of rural farms and segregation — and the Democrats are the new Republicans, freshly split from the Whigs and hot on the trail of modern abolition: equal rights and integration.

Or maybe they’ve been the opposition party for so long, they got lost.  Even their leaders seem perplexed at the requirements of leadership.  Watching Mitch McConnell talk about ‘repealing Obamacare’, or Paul Ryan describe deregulation, is like watching Trump sputter on about the election one more time.

Republicans.  Listen up.  You’re in charge now, for good or bad.  Stand up, straighten your tie, wipe the drool off your shoes, and give it your best try.