I haven’t talked about it yet, but I hold religious beliefs. And now, bigots and anti-religious zealots persecute me. I’ve had enough! The new conservative Supreme Court ruled in my favor, so I’m not allowing them to deny me my religious freedom anymore!
My faith tells me that race is a social construct, not a biological fact, and that people who speak about superior races are idiots. It’s not just me; that’s a widely held religious belief. So, two White Supremacists recently walked into my cupcake store. They demanded I make them a dozen white cupcakes with white frosting and red “KKK” lettering with a nice rose. I know they’re in love, but I’m denying them service! My religious freedom requires me to refuse to compromise on actual, verifiable facts..
My faith tells me that anyone under a red MAGA hat is probably a nasty twit. It doesn’t require a tortured reading of Levicitus; it’s in my scriptures! And my religious freedom allows me to deny them service in my restaurant. Even if Trumpers were a protected class – which they aren’t! – the Supreme Court said I could blow them off. Hail Baphomet! My religious freedom trumps (ha!) their plain civil rights every time! Justice Clarence Thomas even told me my freedom of speech trumped their Trump hats, too! Ha twice!
And know what? It is my firm religious beliefs that the kind, generous, and giving – the worthy – shall lead the prideful, sinful, and ignorant. That’s why the Proud Boys, 3%ers, and Patriot Front people have to sit in the back of the buses every time I’m at the wheel. My freedom of religion demands it. I used to think the Constitution required equal access, but the Supremes convinced me that, as a White person, I can just do what I want.
Wait, I know! Now I’m a doctor. A Proud Boy comes into my office and asks me to set the leg he broke jumping down to the stage during the latest insurrection. I’m distracted – I think his face tats are kind of neat – but I remember that I’m supposed to find his entire existence religiously repugnant. It’s not in the scriptures, but that’s what someone preached once. I think. Anyway, as a religious person, a doctor, and a Patriot, my religious beliefs and amorphous freedom requires that I refuse to set that fractured femar. Besides, if I splint his leg, I put myself at risk of prison. So, in addition, based on my right to liberty (and not going to jail), I will refuse to treat anyone who arrives with questionable wounds (even if the Dry Tortugas might be nice).
Well, I had fun, but that’s all the time I’m going to waste pretending the Supreme Court is ruling because of actual freedom, laws, or any understanding of the Constitution. They’re just making Evangelical fuckery the official federal religion, gun deaths a daily affair, clean air and water distant memories, and screw the rest of us. I agree with Nathan: fix the Supreme Court.
