I wish I knew what the hell the Republican Party wants.  Maybe I’d know how to help them.  I know a lot of conservatives, and we disagree sometimes, but we work things out.  I know that as a country, we need to work stuff like that out all the time.  This is America, and I want us to pull together as a country.  The trouble is that, as reasonable as conservatives seem, the Republican Party that professes to lead them doesn’t seem to stand for much of anything these days.  Sure, Republicans advertise themselves as ‘conservatives,’ but that seems more like a brand than an actual philosophy.  I look for conservative principles, and I can’t find many.

Here are a few definitions I cribbed from different sources.

Conservative:

• Holding to traditional attitudes and values and cautious about change or innovation, typically about politics or religion.
• A person who is averse to change and holds to traditional values and attitudes, typically about politics.
• Tending or disposed to maintain existing views, conditions, or institutions.

The Republican party talks about freedom from… well, the ‘from’ part is less clear.  People who aren’t registered Republicans, I’m sure, but their positions change according to whoever disagrees.

So, freedom from excessive regulation!  Sure.  Republicans who tout local rights over federal intervention say this a lot, except for every single time they don’t like the result.  So long as local laws are what they want, they support local rights over whatever those government bureaucrats might force them to do.  If local lawmakers suggest anything Republicans disagree with, though, like LGBTQ rights, immigrant protections, climate control, even gas mileage, Republicans grind through any local legislation as if the very existence of localities was obscene.  It works that way at the federal, state, local and individual level.  Name me a single time the modern Republican party backed any local action they didn’t like, because they were elected on that the principle.

Republicans have always been proud to call themselves defense hawks.  For decades, they’ve pretended they’re the only party that will defend America against our enemies.  America alone; America first!  Republicans aren’t squishy like those girly, pinko Democrats!  More guns and more tanks!  And that determination held until just before it might require Republicans to disagree with another Republican.  Then, the Republican party suddenly pulled their frilly globalist underthings out of the closet and started shrieking about how we all need to work together better.  (But they still want big tanks and guns for the war we’re not fighting.)

Republicans smugly suggest they’re the party of global realpolitik focused on what’s practical and achievable, not any fancy-pants ethics or idealism.  They’re the clear-eyed realists in the room.  Except when a worthless braggart decides to risk a war over the size of his button.  Suddenly Republicans get quiet and close their eyes, even as fascists and authoritarians subsume our allies.  That doesn’t sound very practical over the long term.  So Republicans are realists so long as it’s a good theory, but not, you know, when it’s actually happening.

Republicans support the idea of free markets unencumbered with unnecessary regulations, but seemingly only for the parts that restrain the monopoly corporations.  The ones who donate so much money to them?  Once these huge, profitable monopolies get back their freedom to victimize their customers without that nagging oversight, Republicans lose interest.  They’ll happily cut market freedoms like crazy after that.  Can’t have that much competition.

Republicans claim they’re the party of fiscal responsibility.  They hold that idea every time they’re out of power.  And they believe it so strongly, they’ll let the country they profess to love burn to the ground before they’d allow a Democratic administration to succeed—

Oops.  I mean, before they’d compromise their deeply held beliefs.  Yeah.  Better that the country burns than Republicans have to compromise such a core principle.  Especially since Republicans can seize more power from the ashes.  After that, of course, screw frugality!  Money is for giving away to your bros, the rich, and the large corporations who fund you.  Balanced budgets be damned!

Republicans are the party of patriotism.  Republicans have been making this claim for as long as I can remember.  Except when the patriotic thing isn’t convenient or might not be in their direct interest.  When Republicans face real threats to the country, their party gets eerily silent.  Some individual Republican politicians object, a little and quietly, but nobody – and I mean nobody – does anything.  Like, I don’t know, enact a law about it.  Not if that law might be a problem for another Republican.  Honestly, there are a host of essential, long-term American interests seems so far back in the rear-view mirror I can’t even see them anymore.

Republicans are the party of family values.  Whatever those values really are.  It gets a little confusing.  Me, I’d start family values with love, stability, and marriage, except Republicans don’t believe in that.  Not consistently.  I’d include financial security and a social safety net, but Republicans don’t support those, either.  I’d include education and opportunity for everyone, except they don’t.  High moral standards?  Ethics?  Morality?  Nope, nope, and nope.  Religion?  Please!

Anyone want to discuss the Republican position on illicit sex, rape, and the hyper-sexualization of women in America?  Didn’t think so.

Republicans object when people call them racists each time they do another horribly racist thing, or when they write laws that allow racism to flourish, or when Republicans allow racist rogues to walk away from every lie and murder they commit.  (I mean, so long as they’re white racists, of course.)  Why do people keep calling them racists just because they’re doing racist things?  It’s so unfair!

The trouble is that, outside of that basic Republican racism and corporate fealty, I can’t see any moral or ethical position that the Republican party holds.  They stammer out positions on tons of current events, but they only take positions of convenience.  When a position becomes inconvenient, Republican politicians don’t even blink when they switch sides completely.  Here’s a hint: if someone abruptly changes their feelings on something they swear they believe, they’re lying about both positions.

And Jeeze, but Republicans talk a lot about things they don’t really mean.  They talk about how immigrants made America great, except no, they have no intention of supporting them, now or ever.  They talk about the importance of farmers in America, except no, they’re cutting every bit of support there, too.  They support women, I mean, unless they’re not 7’s or 8’s and so long as they don’t squeal on us.  “We Support Our Troops,” except if they get caught, if they’re trans, if democrats, if they disagree, or, really, if they speak in any way.  They love DACA kids, except no, they don’t, not even slightly.  They support police unconditionally when brown people die, but not if the police catch, you know, Republicans.  Law and order, except hell no, not the FBI.  A free press, except no.  America exceptionalism, except no.

Republicans say they support Democracy, except when they don’t want to.  Which is most of the time.  Not if it means Republicans might not win the smallest election.  In that case, all bets are off, and all that democracy crap has to go.